Similicrum

Laurell K Hamilton’s similes are like confused rats on a mouldy burrito.

Similes are wonderful tools for expressing nuances of meaning and for evoking a particular image or response. They’re also extremely vulnerable to abuse. In the hands of Laurell K Hamilton, this mistreatment takes on a whole new dimension. Her similes are so ridiculous and opaque that it’s impossible to keep the meaning straight.

She doesn’t do well with colours, for a start. For example, mental alarm bells start to ring when a woman’s bare thighs are described as “incredibly white, like beached whales”. Now, for me personally, there’s nothing about a beached whale that evokes any idea of whiteness (incredible or not). The mental image of the poor woman writhing around with two upturned humpback whales stuck below her waist is hardly pleasant. It leaps out at you from the page, going for the mental jugular, just as you’re lulled into a false sense of apathy by the rest of the writing.

The fact that I’m now thinking of poor gasping whales lolling on the beach isn’t helping set the mood for the raunchy party that protagonist Anita is attending. Of course, how could I focus while Anita is being watched by a character who’s “like a blond shadow”? Because, of course, shadows come in all manner of shades other than dark.

Ms Hamilton must really not like small animals, or else she’s never actually interacted with one. These are the only reasons that I can think of to explain such gaffes as “like a cheerful little puppy in heat”. A puppy, in heat? Really? And cheerful? Last I recalled, there was a general consensus that ‘the time of the month’ is far from pleasant. Of course, the “in heat” part is trying to imply promiscuity and rapaciousness, but it’s miles away from anything I’d associate with a “cheerful little puppy”. Maybe I’m a prude, but I prefer my baby animals innocent and cuddly.

But then, Hamilton’s puppies come in a variety of flavours. For example, there is also character who follows others around “like an obedient puppy on steroids”. Huh? The mental gymnastics needed to harmonise the disparate parts of this simile are considerable. Try to visualise a puppy (fun, playful) being obedient (calm, deferent) whilst exhibiting signs of steroid use (aggression, power). Can you? I sure can’t. And don’t even get me started on the kittens, or rather the grey eyes that are “soft like kitten fur” – talk about a hairy eyeball!